Still dark

"Ek hawa ka jhonka aaya, toota daali se phool.
Na pawan ki, na chaman ki, kiski hai yeh bhool?
...
Mera jeevan kora kaagaz, kora hi reh gaya."

If you could understand the above lines, you might have guessed that I am not in a particularly good mood right now. So, this might not be the perfect time to write a post on this blog. But then, isnt this the reason why I created this blog - to capture my ups and downs in life, which, over a longer time, one tends to forget?

So, whats the reason for being down? Lots of time, its nothing in particular, strangely. But, I guess this time its because my employer has let me down, by grading my performance in the past year as below average while I considered it above average. Well, this is not the first time this has happened to me. But, thats the concern. Am I losing the touch? The feeling that I am good in what I do in my job - is that just a personal feeling? Doesnt my employer realize what this does to my self-confidence? And to think that some (including me) used to think of myself as arrogant at times, considering myself to be the best thing since, well, sliced bread, as the saying goes.

Also, the future, even the short term, is pretty undecided right now. The horizon (which I mentioned in the last posting) never materialized. So, its still all dark at this moment. I dont even want to call my mom right now as she would sense the 'down' feeling in my voice. I dont want to disappoint her.

All I can do is to wait and look forward. These are the times when I am reminded of my own quote - "Bad things happen to good people." But, I would not like to lose hope. I will look forward eagerly, for sure.

As for this moment, I guess I dont have anything better to do, and so will go to sleep relatively early, which is defined as before midnight.