The Ladder

"Another rung in the ladder" said the subject line as I sent out a mail (2 years ago) about my recent shift to the technical architecture group in our company. It was only later that I would have realized the profound meaning of the word 'ladder'.

Last night, as has happend at the end of any recent weekend, I lay in bed, waiting to get sleepy. But, that wouldnt happen for around an hour. I guess my brain is most active at this time. Just before its time for the shutters.

I was thinking about what I had thought of as a kid. What did I want to become? I guess most American kids want to become pilots or fire fighters. And for most Indian kids, becoming a cricket player or a movie star would be the dream. Name, fame, money and recognition, all at a young age is perhaps what drives many to such a lucrative career. I remember that I had written in one of the school autograph books that I want to become a professional sportsperson. If not, to become an engineer. Well, as they say, we end up in life doing what we are second best at. So, an engineer I am. But, I was just wondering why I wanted to become a sportsperson. I wasnt really as good in cricket. I used to dream of competing in the olympics running race, winning a gold medal for my country. It wasnt really the money or any of the other dazzling gifts that usually people associate with sports. Its the satisfaction of being the top guy in the field of your choice. In sports, that goal is very tangible, unlike in other fields. But that, ultimately, is what most people want. To exceed in whatever field they choose or whatever field chooses them. To quote the dialog from Lakshya, agar main ghaas kaatne waala bhi ban gaya, lekin achha ghaas kaatne waala nahi bana, to kya faayda?

So, aiming for excellence in whatever we do is the ultimate goal. Now, there is no limit for the heights of excellence. And if you consider the field I am in, there is really no gold medal that says "here is the best programmer in the world". But, I am ok with that. The search for excellence persists.

I came into this industry with a true interest in it. What I have noticed, like in the film industry, is that many people get into it, not because of true interest, but just to make some quick bucks. I see that majority of people fall in this category. The search for excellence is not present generally. Doing better is a comparative analysis for most. The questions are - how can I do just enough to make people feel that I am doing better than the other folks? Its no longer a matter of how high you can fly. Its more a matter of how can you bring down someone else so that you can look higher, or how you show yourself being higher instead of actually having to do so! All this is rubbish. In the search for excellence, we need not compare ourselves with others. We need to compare ourselves with what we were. This is also pretty similar to what one should do in the gym. The comparison is only with yourself, with what you were and what you are now.

Having said that, I am not saying that you need to work on your own. Working in a team is good. Its mutually beneficial for all. But, co-operation, not competition, is the key to success.

All that was general talk. Now, time for some reminiscence. Over the last few years, I put in efforts, with personal sacrifices, to be a person that aims for excellence. But, things havent been going well for the last 2 years. I tried to rise high, becoming a ladder which can be used by others to get high as well. But, in my attempt to become a ladder, I found that a few used me literally as a ladder, by stepping on me for their own benefits. And now I am like a used tea-bag for them, thrown away after use. The ladder lies on the floor. What used to look like a means to achieve great heights is now just a wooden fixture, strangely full of large holes, and seemingly useless. It has taken quite some time, but I have learnt not to give up. What was that saying? If you get up one more time than you fall down, you will succeed.